Lady No.2

She has a nearly shaved head, with white hair, a coarse but high pitched voice, tracksuit pants and jumper. She’s small framed. She usually asks for Horizon 50’s or Champion Ruby tobacco with “the lady on them”. Before that, it was “heart disease”. She doesn’t like the packets with the statistical diagrams about the different types of death by nicotine, she prefers the pictures. And this is hard, because most packets have the diagrams, because most people prefer a diagram rather than a picture of a woman with an oxygen mask lying in hospital, or an artery with gunk squeezed half way out. I don’t think she’s ever bought a packet without the pictures.

Her nails are usually very short but broad, covered messily with red nail polish, like as if she painted them on but didn’t have time to dry them, and now they are choppy and smudged.

Lady No.1

“Da na na”, which translates from Chinese to English as Big Boobs Lady, are in fact huge; they’re saggy and they rest on her big belly. She always comes in with lots of plastic shopping bags with nothing particular in them. The bags are old, not fresh, they are crinkly and look reused. She speaks to herself constantly, and usually waits around the front of our shop before and after she makes a purchase. She buys ‘The Picture’ which is an adult magazine, sometimes a paper, stationery, or Take 5 magazine, but usually wonders around for a good 10-20 minutes muttering things to herself and biting her nails before she comes to the counter. I haven’t caught what she’s muttered to herself yet. Occasionally she doesn’t purchase anything. The previous owners have caught her stealing apparently, so the first few months when we first took over the shop, we sometimes asked her to open her bags for checking before she leaves.

When she comes to the counter, you can usually smell something unpleasant, maybe she hasn’t showered in a while, who knows. Sometimes she wears earrings and looks more pleasant, but she always smells the same. She always wants a receipt and a bag, even though she is carrying about a dozen half empty bags, she is perfectly polite when you are serving her, and then mutters off when she leaves, whether it is about the person serving her or not, whether it’s good or bad. 

She likes taking all the brochures from the Post Office counter. She sends money orders from the Post Office to herself; she purchases a money order made payable to herself, mails it to herself and then cashes it in to herself. It’s also interesting that she opens all her bags before she leaves the shop for us to check, even when we’re a mile away, yet still brings just as many bags in, knowing we are going to check them when she leaves.